It is International Women’s Day, such inspiring stories of amazing women..so I am a women – do I feel that I have succeed, inspired others been influential ? Well, truthfully no I don’t
As a 40 and a bit, cubby old tracksuit wearing woman who has been ‘trying’ her whole life but feeling like she never ‘succeeds’ at anything. Recently I have started to question why that is. As I sit here in my living room looking around at where I am I start thinking to myself – how did this all happen? How did it happen that I’ve ended up sat in front of a laptop, in a little house living with my husband and parents in law and two dogs on Bodmin Moor in Cornwall.
As a little girl I wanted to ‘be’ something, thinking about it now I am not really sure what that means –‘be something?’. Is it to be noticed by lots of people? To be respected as an expert on a subject? To be famous? To own a highly successful business? I am not sure anymore. I just know that I don’t feel that I am, well, anything.
So how did I end up at 40 and a bit, living with my husband and parent in laws (not forgetting my two dogs) on Bodmin Moor? Chance? Bumbling along and banging into life opportunities and encounters? Again I am not really sure. Is this what my being something looks like…? I hope not.
I have anchors that pin points big life moments – my Mum dying when I was 19 years old and in my first term in University, my daughter being born when I was 20 , again when I was at University and becoming a young single mum, the meeting of my husband at a friend’s retirement party in a night club and the move to Bodmin Moor to live with his parents. Then I have smaller but still noteworthy moments in my life that have also shaped where I’ve ended up , my Dad moving away to France with his new wife, my sister moving to Australia with her now husband thus leaving me with very little family in the UK.
The thing I am sure of is that I am not where I want to be – don’t get me wrong – I don’t mean in a physical sense, mentally, I know I am not there yet.
How do I know this? Many things highlight that I am not where I want to be… I still have that little green envious monster lurking in the pit of my stomach when ( by accident, I am not searching) I look at old friends facebook walls and with the help of face book they all look like they have magazine type lifestyles – well worked out beautiful bodies, happy children, happy marriages, businesses that are doing well etc. So back to me…Do you know the ‘box’ – you know the box others put you in with a big label on – what does your label say – mine says in big bold letters – Not done great
My family have been put me in the ‘messed my life up box’ or in simple terms ‘it’s just Emily’ I know my place, and that is at the bottom of the family ladder of successfulness – the worse thing of being in that box is that I do not have voice. I am only noticed only when I am discussed around the table when I have made or done a life change – I make a good story to tell and gossip about – ‘did you hear? Emily has had a baby at 20?…OMG no really has she, well we are going have to now support her, she will not be able to do that on her own or cope, that poor baby…’ and so on (I would just like to point out that my daughter is amazing – she is in her final year at University heading for a 1st) . I love my family and they are great but I know that I am looked at with that ‘slight pity look mixed with I am so glad I am not her look’
This post sound like a big old moan, I don’t mean it to come across like that I am just trying to understand how I became the grown up version of me…
I am a trier as I said, I strive to feel that I am something, successful and respected. I have done many things – a Law degree, working as a librarian, a family venture social enterprise, many evening classes from British Sign Language to jewleraly making – none of these have come to much and I have never felt that I fit into them.
So as I said I don’t feel that I have succeeded in anything, maybe to some it is not important to feel successful or that you have made ‘it’ but to me it is. So to this blog ’ Yogadogs’ – I am a secret blogger – I write in between cleaning the house, in between the yelling’s from my husband of ‘ make the tea love’ or at night whilst everyone is sleeping, I look at the pictures on instagram of the beautiful cream desks, with sewing machines on, shelves above, the odd pot plant to make the space yen and I can only dream of a work space. Me I am balancing my laptop on my lap on a sofa with a pile of ironing on the side and two dogs draped over the tiny bit of lap I have left – I don’t know why I am writing this blog and setting up a dog brand up in my semi secret way…I am making out it is nothing important, why ? – I suppose I have little faith in my ability ( with the words of my husband still ringing my ears of – no point you putting any money into this, loads of people are doing the same thing – just make it into a little hobby love’ but it is important to me, to make a success out of this, to hush the voice in my head telling me I am wasting my time. I need this venture to make ‘it’. Yogadogs is not just about my dogs, it is just as much about me – blogging is not just writing, it involves so much more than that, it is going to put me out there – selling my brand to people, putting my blog and dog clothes out in the market with a absolute belief that it is good and that people will want to buy into it, buy into me…
I felt the need to write this post when I woke up this morning, maybe writing about me it is a leap of faith that I can and will do this. I am writing this between my husband asking me important life questions that only I have the answers– where are my trousers? what is for lunch and look the dog has had a wee on the floor you better wipe that up before it ruins the wooden floor, but through getting out the kitchen roll to clean up dog wee, getting his trousers from where he left them and telling him he was having the gourmet lunch of cheese and pickle sandwiches, I have continued to write this.
I suppose I wanted to understand how I got here, sat in front of my laptop writing a blog and making bandannas for dogs on my little sewing machine. I don’t think I have come up with the answer although maybe it is time to leave my fears behind and step into the shoes of a business owner and blogger and own who I want to be and keep going.